"A Soft Heart, A Sane Mind, A Strong Body" - Max Heindel
The last post published described my belief that most toxic relationships, are so, due to fear. My blog kes-taketwo.blogspot is available and follows my journey,recovery from loss and grief after divorce and learning to trust and love,following 18 years of emotional abuse and a toxic partnership.
I have returned to my past in order to complete the necessary closure and rebuild relationships,that I believe to be healthy and finally sever those that do not serve my needs for positive associations. Well, it is not as easy as it first appeared!
The majority of this small community is steep in avoiding, is beige in engagement and mostly does not respond to moral reasoning as they claim they must endure living in the town ! Sadly,there is such apathy and fear that I can almost taste, almost smell it, sad that many are heavily involved in alcohol and substance abuse, are ignorant of world affairs and are aged before their time. I have questioned friends within my circle and spoke with many I know socially. There is an acceptance, that people will behave badly, that it is ok for others to abuse the safety and security of their neighbors through avoidance, through lack of responsibility and ownership. But mostly it is through fear. Fear of confrontation and challenging the status quo, fear of being seen to take a stance. A small town mentality, a small town that I once believed to be vibrant and healthy, is now seen by me through different eyes and a different heart for what I believe is healthy. I returned to find my home trashed! I returned to my home that was beyond recognition. Beyond my comprehension that a man I once shared my bed with, a man I protected, a man who stole my passion, had been the perpetrator of such a terrible act.
My ex partner, using my loved home as a dumping ground and young people who, could not, through their young years cope with the enormity of such a large home and a town who just turned their heads away in fear of becoming involved. Was my first image of returning home. Overgrown garden, broken equipment that was less than four years old, clothes from my dressing room thrown in the porch to gather cobwebs, bags of garbage inside and outside the home. Window sills thick with grime and dust. Furnishings that had not been lifted in the two years I had been absent. Just absolute filth and disgusting neglect.
My ex had picked and taken choice furnishings and ignored the increased state of disrepair. So, what do I do?
I am attempting to live with love in my heart and surround myself with healthy, positive thoughts and behavior. Yet, I am confronted with the worst case of property violence, emotional abuse and lies, all directed at me!
If you have read my earlier chapters, you will know of my experience within an unhealthy relationship and my struggle to rebuild my sense of worth and love for myself through hours of mystical studies and meditation.
You will have read about my struggle for independence and assertiveness in order to meet my past head on. It is tough! I am unemployed, through choice, as my will and motivation has rendered me unable to return to the work I once enjoyed. I am committed to my life study and yet the conflict of uncertainty is challenging my belief and faith yet again!
I am facing a cost in excess of eight thousand Australian dollars to rebuild the house to a pre me leaving standard. I have mounting solicitors fees and my ex continues to lie and deceive everyone. Oh, yes they know his untrustworthy behaviors, but will not confront, nor challenge his behavior. I have not received rent for over twelve months and yet my ex still says he is within his right to return to the house as he chooses. The man, with his male friend for added support, went so far, as to threaten me with a restraint order if I remained in the home. His presence in the house we once shared, was intimidating and frightening. I was attempting to clean the house!
This was the last straw, I broke down. Uncontrollable, sobs and worst of all, my teenage son was feeling the pain of the continued fight for freedom. He felt the thrust of my emotion, as I disclosed all of what is known to be true. His father continues to lie, continues to build a story that will not hold up in the court of law. My sons life over the past three years has been a roller coaster too! His life is as uncertain, as mine, yet his father lives in relative comfort and security with his current partner.
How do I remain confident, loving and yet accept that I have the fight for justice looming? How do I adopt the teachings of the Rosicrucian, whilst remaining true to the needs of financial independence in our modern and challenging society?
I have five wonderful women friends who are providing morale support and refuge in their homes. I am remaining true to my sons love and continue meditation and have faith in the justice for humanity. But aspects of fear, the intimidating feelings of past is creeping into my thinking.
Please provide some advice on how to remain love centered and yet right to seek compensation for the years of abuse and property violence too!
